i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
They took my balls.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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