who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
