eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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