party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
