the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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