If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
