I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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