I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
