I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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