I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
