I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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