someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
