I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
