everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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