Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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