Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love having hate sex.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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