Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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