I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I can't turn off my feet"
40s are totally the cure
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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