i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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