I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
