My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
