is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
