I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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