I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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