I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
