So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
