i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Liz is crying about burritos again.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
