Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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