I think i peed on brittanys purse
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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