Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
