I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
