I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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