It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
