You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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