don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
