What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
