You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize