please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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