john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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