Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
