when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
