Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
