did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
