Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
