I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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