Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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