I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
