i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
