omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
