currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
